My story in brief
I have no idea where to start!First of all, I'm not very good at expressing what's going on in my heart and mind; the words never come out right, never get to the depths of what I feel andunderstand. Second, I'm so ashamed of how badly I've failed my precious God, so its hard for me to tell other people. Somehow it makes it more real and the pain and disappointment is overwhelming.
I don't have a dramatic story like other people, its more the humiliating kind. Everything bad in my life, all of my current pain is a direct result of my own stupid, arrogant, independent behaviour. I got down on my knees before God on my seventh birthday and became on of His. My family was a loving, protecting Christian family and while it had its problems, like any family, they did teach me about Jesus and what it meant to follow Him. I can't even begin to imagine how my life would be now if I'd pulled my head in all those years ago and relied solely on God. Unfortunately, I have a problem with needing the attention, admiration and acceptance of everyone around me to feel valuable as a person. Believe me, this is a fools journey that only leads to heartache and despair. God alone can satisfy our need for unlimited acceptance, God alone can fulfill our desire for unconditional love, God alone is infinite. The consuming desire I had to be partof the inner circle caused a breach in my life through which the enemy could attack. He has told me I'm ugly, disgusting and worthless, and worse still I believed him and, just like he planned, I went running to the people around me for validation and, just like he planned, they let me down tremendously. To top it all off, for me to seek this acceptance and validation, I've had to compromise everything I live for as a follower of Christ, and this has pulled me far away from the heart of God.
I started swearing and talking dirty in high school to fit in with the only crowd that would take me. I was so lonely and I hated myself so much, I just wanted friends, someone to identify myself with. The other groups of kids pretty much said I was ugly, awkward, immature and embarrassing to be with. The peopleI was trying to fit in with weren't much better and berated me every day of my life. They called me things like 'slut' and told me I was ugly. Bear in mind, if you are reading this Bec, that this isn't referring to you!
I came into university believing no one would ever be interested in me and I would be lonely until the day I died, so you can imagine how taken aback I was when someone was interested in me. My parents warned me that he was dangerous but I couldn't say 'NO' when he asked me out and that was pretty much the climate for our entire relationship. I did everything but sleep with him. Not because I wanted to, far from it, I felt disgusting and I hated it, I would dread going to his house. When I tried to say I wasn't comfortable with anything he would ask if I didn't love him, if I wasn't happy with him. He knew how much I hated myself and that I was afraid I would have nothing without him and he gladly reinforced that to me to manipulate me into giving him anything he wanted. I sacrificed my purity for his approval, he left me ugly and scarred inside.
When I finally met and dated a genuine and wonderful Christian guy, I was an emotional cess pool, and I totally sabotaged our relationship. I needed to feel accept and loved more than ever, I needed to know that someone thought I was beautiful and wanted me for who I was. The problem was, this time I'd learned to use manipulation from my last boyfriend and I turned it on this unexpecting guy! Nothing he could do could make me happy. I wanted him to devote infinite amounts of time and energy into my well-being and I pouted, cried and yelled when I didn't get what I wanted. Fortunately for him, he had a backbone and told me to take a hike. That relationship is a defining point in my life, I can see myself so clearly when I look back on it. I wasn't only dating him because Iiked him, he was also a part of one of the most popular and respected families in the church. Dating him was instant credentials. It felt so good to be in the inner circle, I felt so much better than the other people who were not in the in crowd. I fell apart when we broke up. I'd invested all of my self-esteem and self-worth into my relationship with him, without him (and the position I'd found in his circle of friends) I felt like nothing. All of this time, I still loved God, believed in Him and I wanted to live the life He had for me, but I was addicted to fitting in and I couldn't give it up no matter how hard I tried.
This leads me too the lowest point ever. I walked away from that church, angry that they couldn't make me feel good, I thought they owed it to me to care more about and do more for me. I moved out of home and started seeing another guy. He put up with my crap and that fed my insecurity. We ended up sleeping together. Both of us had been too far in previous relationships and both of us hated ourselves for it. Instead of making a decision together to respect ourselves and each other, we chose to make it worse. I never totally walked away from God, I also never justified my lifestyle. I hid all the crap away from the people in my life who cared about me because I was afraid of what they would think if they knew the truth. God just bided His time and eventually we got pregnant. We made the decision to get married and it was the first time in a long time that either of us had made a decision with Gods direct guidance. It finally hit home and God has slowly pulled us back to Him over the past three years. Sorry this got so huge, I just want you to understand how badly I've failed. In the apostle Paul's words, "of sinners I am the worst" (1 Timothy 1:15), but that is the beauty of God's grace, that even I after all the shame I have brought onHis name, He will still forgive me, and will still change me and use me. How insane is that! I don't deserve how joyful and fulfilled I feel now.
I don't have a dramatic story like other people, its more the humiliating kind. Everything bad in my life, all of my current pain is a direct result of my own stupid, arrogant, independent behaviour. I got down on my knees before God on my seventh birthday and became on of His. My family was a loving, protecting Christian family and while it had its problems, like any family, they did teach me about Jesus and what it meant to follow Him. I can't even begin to imagine how my life would be now if I'd pulled my head in all those years ago and relied solely on God. Unfortunately, I have a problem with needing the attention, admiration and acceptance of everyone around me to feel valuable as a person. Believe me, this is a fools journey that only leads to heartache and despair. God alone can satisfy our need for unlimited acceptance, God alone can fulfill our desire for unconditional love, God alone is infinite. The consuming desire I had to be partof the inner circle caused a breach in my life through which the enemy could attack. He has told me I'm ugly, disgusting and worthless, and worse still I believed him and, just like he planned, I went running to the people around me for validation and, just like he planned, they let me down tremendously. To top it all off, for me to seek this acceptance and validation, I've had to compromise everything I live for as a follower of Christ, and this has pulled me far away from the heart of God.
I started swearing and talking dirty in high school to fit in with the only crowd that would take me. I was so lonely and I hated myself so much, I just wanted friends, someone to identify myself with. The other groups of kids pretty much said I was ugly, awkward, immature and embarrassing to be with. The peopleI was trying to fit in with weren't much better and berated me every day of my life. They called me things like 'slut' and told me I was ugly. Bear in mind, if you are reading this Bec, that this isn't referring to you!
I came into university believing no one would ever be interested in me and I would be lonely until the day I died, so you can imagine how taken aback I was when someone was interested in me. My parents warned me that he was dangerous but I couldn't say 'NO' when he asked me out and that was pretty much the climate for our entire relationship. I did everything but sleep with him. Not because I wanted to, far from it, I felt disgusting and I hated it, I would dread going to his house. When I tried to say I wasn't comfortable with anything he would ask if I didn't love him, if I wasn't happy with him. He knew how much I hated myself and that I was afraid I would have nothing without him and he gladly reinforced that to me to manipulate me into giving him anything he wanted. I sacrificed my purity for his approval, he left me ugly and scarred inside.
When I finally met and dated a genuine and wonderful Christian guy, I was an emotional cess pool, and I totally sabotaged our relationship. I needed to feel accept and loved more than ever, I needed to know that someone thought I was beautiful and wanted me for who I was. The problem was, this time I'd learned to use manipulation from my last boyfriend and I turned it on this unexpecting guy! Nothing he could do could make me happy. I wanted him to devote infinite amounts of time and energy into my well-being and I pouted, cried and yelled when I didn't get what I wanted. Fortunately for him, he had a backbone and told me to take a hike. That relationship is a defining point in my life, I can see myself so clearly when I look back on it. I wasn't only dating him because Iiked him, he was also a part of one of the most popular and respected families in the church. Dating him was instant credentials. It felt so good to be in the inner circle, I felt so much better than the other people who were not in the in crowd. I fell apart when we broke up. I'd invested all of my self-esteem and self-worth into my relationship with him, without him (and the position I'd found in his circle of friends) I felt like nothing. All of this time, I still loved God, believed in Him and I wanted to live the life He had for me, but I was addicted to fitting in and I couldn't give it up no matter how hard I tried.
This leads me too the lowest point ever. I walked away from that church, angry that they couldn't make me feel good, I thought they owed it to me to care more about and do more for me. I moved out of home and started seeing another guy. He put up with my crap and that fed my insecurity. We ended up sleeping together. Both of us had been too far in previous relationships and both of us hated ourselves for it. Instead of making a decision together to respect ourselves and each other, we chose to make it worse. I never totally walked away from God, I also never justified my lifestyle. I hid all the crap away from the people in my life who cared about me because I was afraid of what they would think if they knew the truth. God just bided His time and eventually we got pregnant. We made the decision to get married and it was the first time in a long time that either of us had made a decision with Gods direct guidance. It finally hit home and God has slowly pulled us back to Him over the past three years. Sorry this got so huge, I just want you to understand how badly I've failed. In the apostle Paul's words, "of sinners I am the worst" (1 Timothy 1:15), but that is the beauty of God's grace, that even I after all the shame I have brought onHis name, He will still forgive me, and will still change me and use me. How insane is that! I don't deserve how joyful and fulfilled I feel now.
posted by Snooty Farkleboob at 9:47 PM
1 Comments:
Jess, I only just found this. I admire your honesty and your courage. You are beautiful and I am loving reading your thoughts. My God is a God of resoration, and grace is all about not deserving it. May you grow even more to know fullness of life in Him.
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